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| I'm so sorry xanga. I vowed to keep you updated more than once every two or three months. I have failed you. I am sorry. Let's see, I haven't posted since May? Not that it matters, since nobody reads anything on xanga anymore. But still.
In all fairness, I do have a written journal sitting in my bookshelf right now. It's sort of been taking your place a little. JUST a little.
Anyway.
I graduated high school almost two months ago, and I feel like I've just wasted the summer away. It hasn't been this fun, exciting, care free vacation. It's been an overly-lazy, self-loathing, too stressful passed two months. I'm ashamed to look at the pathetic "summer goals" list I made back in June. I feel like I'm wasting my life. As you can guess, this is really upsetting me.
All I do now is sleep too much and hang out with Ed. The sleeping is part of the depression I'm suffering from (damn Celexa hasn't been doing it's job for a while). The Ed part is because I really have no friends. After graduation, I've ditched people I never want anything to do with again. Unfortunately, some people have done the same to me. The only good friends I have now are Zach Giordano and Allison Dyevoich. But for how long? My brilliant friends are off on their own lives this fall. Then what?
John McLean, Paul Zilberman, Marisa Silvers, Kaity Sisto, all these people who I called my friends, I swear we have barely spoken since the last day of school. Is it my fault?
Ed's friends are now my friends. Ed's music is now my music. I get free haircuts because I'm dating Ed. I do everything with Ed. It has to be my fault. Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my boyfriend 100%. I just think I've forgotten the rest of my life. Or, the rest of my life is moving on without me. Or I don't know what I'm talking about. I know life naturally changes drastically at this point, but everything is pointing towards the worst. Is it my fault?
I'm very lonely and very depressed. Therapy and pills aren't working anymore. I'm finding I'm slowing slipping back into the basket case I was the entire school year. As cliche as it is, I don't think I'm ever going to just be okay. I don't think it's in my destiny. I think god chose me to suffer within myself for some reason that I may never know.
I'm not bitter or angry about this. I'm just tired and worn.
Over sleeping. Binge eating. Nightmares. Worry. Laziness.
I really should talk to a doctor about this.
On the positive side, I'm in a fantastic band. We are called Life By Proxy, and one day, we would like to rock your world.
I need a doctor. Or a reality check. Or both. P.S.- Is it normal to have sex dreams about a ficitonal person, i.e.- The Joker? I hope so. ;] | | |
| Who blogs anymore? I mean honestly, it's 2009.
I'm almost out of highschool. Yippie.
I'm almost in college. Yippie again.
I'm also sick as a dog today. Fuck histamines.
My parents don't believe in "Senior Cut Day". Oh well. I do.
Still with Ed. In fact, my senior prom is on our 7th monthaversary. How bittersweetly romantic.
Who reads blogs anymore? I mean honestly?
I'm a different person that I was in the last year or so, especially after reading my past entries. Yeah, I'm still your typical crazy, over-emotional late teen, but it's under control, thanks to some pills, therapy, and some lovin'.
I really really want a tattoo. My parents don't believe in those either.
Apparently I still blog, even in 2009.
I've surprised myself. | | |
| John Rea told me to post a blog.
I think he's going through abandonment issues.
I'm still with Ed, 5 months next week.
I'm working as a waitress at a sleezy burger place across the street.
In three months, the world will welcome me into "adulthood" (aka expect me to go to college and get a job).
I'm in the middle of writing a script for my humanities' short film project. It's going to be an epic horror movie.
My throat hurts.
I found my prom dress.
And I'm sort of thristy.
Stay classy. | | |
| I finished something!
I'm not a loser!
In your face Rutgers!
And just so you guys know, since I've been away so long;
I quit my job, got a new boyfriend, and got a boob job.
Yeah, I lied about that last part.
Hey, I'm broke but I'm happy.
I'm poor but I'm kind. | | |
| IF YOU WANT MY BODY!
AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
I have GOT to find the rest of the lyrics.
I love my job.
Even though I've thrown out my back, been completely sick, and had lube poured all over me.
:]
I love my boyfriend.
Even though he laughs at me as I wince and cry in pain.
At least he puts up with my rewinding parts of the Sixth Sense over and over.
:]
So, I did a lot of worrying over halloween.
In fact, I pretty much gave up all hope of enjoying it at all, seeing as I had work, my friends were all busy, and I couldn't pull together a good costume.
I worried for nothing.
I have the most amazing co-workers who get a kick out of my insomnia-based outrageousness.
They let me sing, yell, and boogie, as longs as they can take pictures.
Plus, I got to walk around Spencer's decked out in full-on Joker make-up. Hell yeah.
And, um, dominos pizza? Yes.
Then, after work, a few of us went to Denny's, were Kevin picked me up for our romantic scary movie a-thon. We had a double feature (The Sixth Sense and From Dusk 'Till Dawn) until 4 in the a.m. By then, my back was pretty much saying "Fuck you, I'm done." Otherwise, it was all lovely.
Were you looking for something, honey?
Poptarts.
They're right here.
(h)Oh.
hahahaha. Hee.
Panic! for the 5th time tomorrow. After work. Which I love.
I guess it was about time for a full-of-fluff, endorphin fueled entry.
Yeeehah.
"I rarely....drive steam boats dad."
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